Out of Character...to the world...

This is really something that I leave for Journal writing, but I can't seem to sleep and decided that this would be a more valuable process...I hope! Normally, the things I think about and truly feel are left for those who take the time to read my journals when I'm gone. As a matter of fact, I was looking over some of those past journal entries tonight and realized that instead of being a time-line, of sorts, of my life and the life of those around me, it's turned into a dumping ground for my issues and my inner sufferings and frustrations. Most of the things in there are not necessarily things I would want people to read...nor would it be how I would want to be remembered. I noticed the trend about a year ago and decided that I needed to write more about the blessings and happier parts of my life and leave my rantings for the Lord to hear...poor guy! I have been doing better on that end, but tonight, I've decided to use this outlet as a way to overcome the pain and anguish that's in my heart.

I think everyone comes to a point in there life where they're not happy with who they are and when they feel like no matter what they do, they don't seem to measure up. Sometimes I look around my house and feel completely embarrassed by how it looks (my mother would be sooo disappointed) and other days, as much embarrassment as I feel, I also don't care. Right now a lot of that is due to being pregnant and being emotional, but even when I'm not, some days I truly have the hardest time getting out of bed and going through the day, knowing that I'm going to fail miserably. I often ask myself what I did to come to this point? Did I really go to school to become a mom? Wasn't there something else in the plans than raising kids, cleaning house, fixing the yard and paying the bills? I know what, we, as mothers do is important and cannot be bought with a price, but some days...tonight, for example...I feel like why on earth can't it? Why can't I see how things will turn out? Why can't someone appreciate even the littlest of things that I do even when it's completely invisible to the naked eye?

I truly love my family! I wouldn't trade a single moment with them for anything in the world. I love my husband and I know that we have that "something special," but I often wonder...I often imagine, what their lives would be like if they had something better. Someone better...who could be the perfect mom. I keep waiting for the day when my husband will find that person and want to reinstate polygamy. (this is so hard...and chances are this will never make it to the blog)

There are so many people in my life that I would give my right arm to have an ounce of their ability, their beauty, their talents, their luster, their spirit, their "perfectness." I keep hoping that someday I'll just wake up and make the decision to be that person. To have a perfectly clean house. To have a perfectly decorated and finished house. To have children that were always well-behaved, clean, polite, honest and trustworthy. To have a relationship with my husband, on all levels, be like it could be if there were no ideals or problems. I know none of that exists and I realize that not all dreams come true. But can someone please explain to me how you do it? How do you cope with the reality that you will never measure up? That you will never get it completely right? That no matter how "almost perfect" you are in some areas, people will only ever see the things that you suck at?

I used to be a very happy person. Nothing could get me down and the only thing I wanted was to be loved unconditionally and raise a family in the gospel. Here I am, 6 months pregnant, about to bring my 4th child into the world and I have to sit back and wonder what the heck the Lord was thinking. Why would someone so wise and so intelligent continue giving His precious children to someone who is so inadequate...so unworthy...and so completely a mistake? Boys are one thing...they are tough around the edges. They use logic and search for answers in books. They will eventually figure out the right way (trust me, my husband is a very good example of that-he's screwed up, but he's fixing it). But girls...are you kidding...they almost completely rely on the opinions of other people. What was He thinking??

This isn't just about bringing a girl into the world. It's no really about being a mom or a wife. It's really about balancing your life in a way that you can't help but be happy. I want to be happy again...and mean it. I want to be in love and be loved unconditionally (no matter how grotesque I look). I want to know that everything I'm doing isn't going to royally screw up my kids and put them in therapy for the rest of their lives. Is that too much to ask?